Painting After Art is Dead

Let’s get into it…

One of the facets of my personality is generalized anxiety disorder. While I’ve almost definitely had it my whole life, likely due to aspects of growing up in an evangelical household and the near constant expectation of needing approval for safety, I wasn’t diagnosed till late in life. My nuclear family first brought the challenges my behavior sometimes creates for them to my attention after a family vacation in 2021. We mostly had a great time. And, the hard parts- for all of us- were and are addressable.

Shortly after I started talk therapy and EMD with a private counselor, we focused on my birth origin family relationships which are the source of my maladaptive behaviors. We made some good progress I think in part because of prior work I had done with dialectical behavior therapy.

In the last ~8 months my disorder took an unfortunate turn into health anxiety, which has elements of obsessive compulsive disorder. Constant monitoring of the body- like, probably 15% of my mental energy burned up, every day, monitoring my body for signs of illness. It’s not fun, and there’s also the element of shame (I mentioned growing up in a doctrinaire household already) that this disorder is literally the most first-world, white ass bullshit ever. Oh no, I wonder if I’m sick??? Lame, lame, lame.

Early Tuesday morning this week (maybe 5:00 am, so not super early) I woke up and needed to pee. As I rolled out of bed I swallowed as one does and the sensation- I had some very minor congestion with a logical and non-viral cause- triggered a panic attack. I couldn’t get back to sleep because I haven’t developed the skills yet to turn my mind away from that behavior pattern.

I want to reassure everyone reading, wherever you are on your mental health journey, that what we learn about paying attention to ourselves and our thinking is a great gift and I am privileged that the lessons available from therapy and clinical work were emotionally accessible for me. Coming back to my parents again- I’ve watched people sit in sessions with good therapists and not get anything out of it because they… they just can’t. I am so grateful that for whatever reasons, the lessons are accessible to me. It’s THE reason I try to center the notions of contemplation and the truth of holding contradiction in my work. Awareness is life altering.

For example, the next morning after my panic attack, I was reading my daily meditation from The Language of Letting Go and the universe spoke:

What started with shame (“see look, she’s right that you’re ruining your life with worry!”) eventually softened into resolve and scheduling a session with my talk therapist. tldr; I’m getting an official evaluation for OCD and selecting a therapist with experience in Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP). I’m ready to reach for more fullness in my life and committed to doing the work (including paying for it which is a whole other blog…). I’m excited to learn how to be present, because life’s meaning and value is actually enhanced by its transient nature.

I have a related parting thought. I see a lot of you- people I know, and care about- worrying out loud on social media over the last two weeks. I won’t unpack or judge that. I hope you’ll believe, since you read this far, that I see your behaviors and actions with grace and understanding. And also concern that our collective worrying is, as Melody Beattie pointed out to me early in the week, blocking us from functioning effectively today.