In the (continuing) spirit of embracing one-word blog titles and contradictions, I call your attention to a word which means one’s sense of worth and which we also collectively use to point at an inflated feeling of pride in relation to others.
The word is on my mind because my internal sense of worth has been whip sawed a bit lately. I shared great news in my last post, in which I also mentioned that I’ve been in the process of searching for, but not yet acheiving, full time employment in my other profession (clean energy). While the reality is that input on my value from outside (either acceptance or rejection) does not change my worth full stop, and, is a pretty reductive binary anyway, the input certainly can and has bent my perception of the value I can provide. I feel privileged to be in a safe enough space in my life to recognize that a) while a choice between my work product and another’s is a binary, the reality of my relative value is almost certainly quite different, b) critical feedback presents an opportunity to grow and c) it is important to my wellbeing to remember “the wins” and invest in giving them attention at least equal to the time spent on b). As all of this relates to the Arts, I suggest you head over to Level Up Artists and check out their Artist Comparison Trap episode (#184).
For a lot of us the outcomes from November 5th are the 800 lb animal in the room lately. It’s not hard for me to imagine most of you, being Artists and Art lovers, lean (pretty far) to the left and view the outcome as a referendum on the worth of certain ideas and likely on those of us in this quadrant of the socio/political spectrum as individuals and groups. Ego gut-punch. I include myself in this while recognizing that I was not the target of the majority of the vitriol exhibited by the reactionaries among us. I also doubt I’d be the first person in your world to note that I’ve heard, read and seen evidence that the sense of worth felt by those leveling this valuation on a plurality, if not a majority, of their neighbors feel some feelings themselves about the worth they perceive they are being assigned in our society in 2024.
I’m dancing a bit with the intention of being objective about feelings (which aren’t usually based in reason) and definitely not making excuses for anyone. It’s probably too soon to talk about giving people grace for (I would say “rash”) decisions made from a place of fear. It’s not clear to me how to establish the trust needed for deep conversations when all of us- all. of.us.- are feeling so deeply wounded in our egos. I am trying to accept that the brashness and incivility (over-inflated outward projection of ego) is a sign of fear stemming from egos that are actually wounded, without internalizing said negative valuations as actually indicative of my worth. I’m dancing a little again, in my attempt to avoid diminishing anyone else’s right to feel how they feel (including rejecting grace and understanding entirely). The caustic version of all of this is it’s a fucking tragedy of the highest order that it seems like everyone is thinking “how dare you think you’re worth more than me.”
As I often do, I’ll end on the note that I didn’t intend this blog to be an answer or hypothesis. I’m stirring the pot by putting my thoughts down to collect them in one place in relation to each other, and hopefully make them work for me, and perhaps you, whoever you are- You. Have. Worth.
Painting After Art is Dead 